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[TEASER]
Villager1: "A good harvest this year. Our fields have
flourished. Ah, greetings."
Villager2: "Hello."
Villager3: "Bathsheeba! Bathsheeba! You're not getting any
dinner if you don't move! Right now! Move! Move!"
Villager4: "Instead of, ah-- all that vinegar, why don't you try
a little honey? And, uh, if you don't have any honey, well, a
carrot usually does the trick. [Laughs] Works every time, my
friend."
[Darphus' army attacks village.]
Darphus [D]: "Take them to Illysia, except that one."
Villager3: "No! No! Please don't kill me!"
D: "Only if you obey my commands. Now, find Hercules. Tell him
that Darphus rides again. And if he doesn't believe you, say you
saw this-- the scar that the traitorous bitch, Xena, left me.
What are you waiting for? Go!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Salmoneus [S]: "It'll be the first celebrity biography in
history. And it'll be about you-- Hercules! Come on, the
public's begging for it."
Hercules [H]: "Sorry, I don't think of myself as a celebrity."
S: "Trust me, we'll get rich."
H: "We."
X: "Of course. Salmoneus has to do the writing. All you have to
do is take the risks."
S: "I'll make you the same 60:40 deal, when I write your bio.
So-- 60:40-- sound good?"
Villager3: "Hercules!"
S: "Excuse me. We're conducting business here."
Villager3: "Hercules, you gotta go to Illysia."
H: "What's wrong?"
Villager3: "Invaders-- led by a warrior called Darphus."
S: "Darphus?"
Villager3: [Nods his head]
X: "Can't be. He's dead."
Villager3: "By your hand, if you're Xena. He showed me his
scar."
X: "What scar?"
Villager3: "A huge, gaping hole right in the middle of his
chest! He should've been dead!"
H: "Only the gods have the power to bring Darphus back from the
dead. I can bet which one it is."
X: "That means nothing to me. I'm still going to Illysia to
stop Darphus. I won't fail this time."
H: "No. We're going to stop him."
S: "And I'm gonna come watch-- for strictly literary reasons.
You gonna come join us?"
Villager3: "Absolutely not. You don't know what you're up
against."
S: "Hey! No problem. Huh! Is there?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Warriors: "It's Darphus! He's back!" "Darphus returns!"
"Another victory!"
D: "Lock the others up. Take that one to the temple."
Villager: "Why are you taking me to the temple?"
D: "I want you to get religion."
Villager: "You know nothing of religion! You're gonna sacrifice
me!"
D: "Don't jump to conclusions. Throw him in."
Villager: "Oh! Oh, please! Oh! No!"
Warriors: "Enjoy yourself." "Get in there!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Villager: [Screams]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
D: "Come and get it, Hercules."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[ACT I]
S: "Hey! Wait for me! Wait, wait. Hold it! This ground is a
little tricky. Hold on. Hold on."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
S: "Well-- doesn't really have an outdoorsy motif-- but it'll do.
Huh! I was afraid these had got broken."
H: "Salmoneus, can I ask you a couple of questions?"
S: "At your service."
H: "Number one, do you think we're on a picnic?"
S: "A picnic? No. But I don't think one should deny oneself
creature comforts just 'cause you're in the-- ."
H: "And number two-- what do you think you're gonna put on those
plates?"
S: "Roast quail?"
H: "If you want quail, you'll have to catch it yourself."
S: "Fine. I'll do it!"
H and X: "You will?"
S: "Hah-hah-hah! Yeah! I happen come from a family of fine
quail catchers. But somebody else is gonna have to cook it.
Great hunters don't cook."
X: "Don't look at me."
H: "Fine. I'll-- do the cooking."
X: "I guess that leaves the scouting to me."
H: "No, wait. I-- think-- I should do the scouting."
X: "Oh, no-- you're cooking."
H: "Cooking."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Salmoneus is quail hunting]
S: "Oh, you made a big mistake, buster! I happen to be Hercules'
best friend! And if you don't get-- What's so funny?"
Iolaus [I]: "You."
S: "I'm a lot funnier, if you stop using my _back_ as a _couch_!
Now, get off me, or I'm gonna call Hercules! Come on!"
I: "Oh, like you actually know him?"
S: "Know him?! I-- I happen to be his official biographer!"
I: "Well, that's funny-- because I don't think of Hercules as the
kind of hero who wants to sound his own horn."
S: "I happen to think I know him a little better than you. In
fact, he's right back there. If you get off me, I'll take you
to him!"
I: "Sure, why not?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
S: "All right, now when you meet him, whatever you do, don't say,
'You're Hercules?!' like it's a big surprise, 'cause frankly,
he's not that much different than other men. Ah--he's bigger,
and he's got more muscles."
I: "Yeah."
S: "But, otherwise, he's about just the same. All right?
You'll see. All right. All right. Now, there he is."
I: "You're Hercules?!"
S: "I can't believe you said that! I told you not to!"
H: "Yes I am. And you are?"
I: "They call me-- Iolaus."
H: "You're Iolaus."
I: "Yeah-- last time I checked."
H: "That's good enough for me."
S: "I don't believe this!"
H: "Iolaus is my best friend."
S: "You never mentioned him to me!"
I: "Oh-- holding out on your official biographer, huh?"
H: "It's a-- long story. What brings you to these parts?"
I: "Xena-- she's on the loose again."
S: "Xena? No, actually, she--"
H: "Don't you have quail to catch? It's not-- Xena we have to
worry about. Our real problem is with a-- warrior named Darphus.
He's slaughtering everyone in sight for the greater good of Ares."
I: "Why don't we get 'em both? It's good to be with you again,
Hercules."
H: "Yeah, it is, isn't it?"
S: "Um-- I hear tummies rumbling. I better catch some Xena--
ah-- quail."
I: "Who is that guy?"
H: "My-- biographer."
I: "Oh."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Warriors: "Tear down that house!" "Look at this bracelet.
That'll be worth a few dinars."
X: "Vultures."
Warrior: "Nothing under here!"
[Xena attacks Warriors]
Warrior: "It's Xena!"
X: "Tell Darphus-- I'm coming for him!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
D: "Your message pleases me so much, that I may spare your life,
Quintus."
Quintus: "Why would you think of killing me?"
D: "You abandoned your comrades when they were fighting Xena."
Quintus: "I had no choice. You needed to know that Xena was
near."
D: "Yes-- probably Hercules as well. But there is still the
matter of loyalty."
Quintus: "I was always loyal to you, Darphus, you know that."
D: "All I know, is that you ran once in battle. You could
run again. Feed him to Graegus."
Warriors: "Yeah!"
Quintus: "No! You can't do this!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I: "You know-- Salmoneus, to look at you-- you'd never think you
were a quail hunter."
S: [Laughs] "Life's full of surprises-- isn't it?"
H: "Yeah-- it is. You know, there's something I've been meaning
to tell you."
I: "Ah, no-- we've gotta play 'rock, parchment, dagger' for the
last quail. [Laughs]"
H: "Ah, no. It's um-- it's about-- it's about--"
I: "What?"
H: "It's about Xena."
I: "What about her?"
H: "Well--"
X: "Hello, Iolaus."
H: "Wait-- hold on; hold on."
I: "What's she doing here?"
H: "We're on the same side."
X: "Look-- Darphus knows we're coming. I ran into a band of his
warriors, but one of 'em got away."
I: "Are you crazy? She tried to kill us!"
H: "No, you don't understand."
I: "Oh, yeah, I understand all right. You're falling into the
same trap that I fell into. And I will burn in Hades before I
stick around here to see you do it."
H: "Iolaus, would you-- Great. Iolaus, wait!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
H: "Would you wait!"
I: "Just let me get out of here, Hercules."
H: "Not before I tell you how Xena has changed."
I: "Come on. Listen to yourself! You're talking about a woman
who wanted to make history by trying to kill you!"
H: "That part of her life is over!"
I: "Oh, yeah. Is that what she'd tell you when the both of you
were rolling around in bed together?!"
H: "I do not rolling around in bed with her! Now, would you
just hear me out?! Darphus used to be Xena's chief lieutenant.
She wouldn't let him murder women and children. She even saved
a baby, and for that, he tried to kill her."
I: "So, you took pity on her, huh?"
H: "Xena doesn't accept pity. She's a warrior in the truest
sense of the word. That's why she's going after Darphus, again.
Look-- I'm going too. And I want you with us."
I: "Nothing I say is gonna make you change your mind, is it?"
H: "No-- it's the right thing to do."
I: "OK-- count me in. But let me tell you something, Hercules.
Both of us better watch our backs."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
S: "To get a message to Iolaus, you need a carrier pigeon. It's
not me, is it? It can't be you. All I smell on you is hyacinth
and cinnamon."
X: "Are you a biographer or a bad comedian? Or, have you dreamed
up some other get-rich-quick scheme?"
S: "How about love-slave? I'm versatile."
X: "You're deluded."
S: "Hmm."
H: "Hold on."
X: "Is something wrong?"
H: "Let's-- wait for Iolaus to catch up."
X: "Well, I didn't tell him to stay back there."
I: "What's the problem?"
H: "The canyon up ahead looks like a perfect place for an ambush.
So, let's stay close together and-- keep quiet."
S: "Why are you looking at me! I can keep quiet. I know when
it's time to stop talking. I know discretion's the better part of
valor."
I: "Hey! Shush."
H: "Look out! Get down! Get down!"
D: [Laughs]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[ACT II]
H: "Can you go-- any faster?"
I: "What's the matter? Aren't you enjoying yourself?"
H: "Well-- my back hurts a little bit."
X: "Iolaus, you're head is bleeding."
I: "Yeah. Salmoneus-- you coming along?"
H: "Salmoneus-- give them a hand."
I: "Come on. It'll take your mind off things."
H: "Salmoneus!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
D: "Drink deeply. Drink well. Hercules is dead! Do you hear
that? Soon, he'll be too big to stop. And we will join with him
to fulfill the mighty Ares' destiny. The god of war will rule the
world! To Ares!"
Crowd: "To Ares!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
H: "This-- isn't getting any lighter."
I: "We're almost through."
H: "Hang on, Salmoneus. How much longer?"
X: "We're there!"
H: "Get out of here!"
I: "What about you?!"
H: "Just go!"
I: "OK."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
H: "Come on. We're going."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
H: "Go! Go, Salmoneus! Go! Go!"
H: "Take it easy. You'll be all right. Iolaus, give him some
water."
I: "Sure."
X: "That was the most courageous thing I have ever seen."
H: "Everybody helped."
S: "Everybody except me. All I did is prove what a coward I am."
H: "You are nothing of the sort, Salmoneus. I remember how you
stuck by me when I had to battle the Centaurs without my sight."
S: "Save your breath. Why should they believe you?"
H: "No. Let him go. He'll be all right."
X: "What about you? Want me to bandage that head?"
I: "No."
H: "Should be a lot of laughs around the campfire tonight."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I: "I'm gonna check the perimeter-- see if everything's all
right."
X: "Every time Iolaus looks at me, I feel his hate. He acts as
if I'm trying to drive a wedge between you again."
H: "When the time comes, the only thing he'll worry about is
Darphus."
X: "And what about you? Could you go back to hating me? To
thinking of me as the enemy?"
H: "No. I don't think that's possible."
X: "I have done terrible things. I've killed so many men, that
I'll never wash their blood from my hands."
H: "You've already started. You saved that baby."
X: "But when you help people, you honor the wife and children
that Hera stole from you. There is nothing in my whole life that
moves me that way."
H: "You're wrong. There's the goodness in your heart."
+++X: "You really believe that?"
+++H: "I wouldn't say it if I didn't."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
D: "The diamond mine is waiting to be pillaged. We'll use the
stones to pay tribute to Ares, and we'll feed the bodies of the
miners to Graegus. When Graegus is finished, he'll be at full
size-- an enormity to guarantee that Ares' will is fulfilled.
Death to all who stand before us!"
+++Warriors: "To Ares!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Miner: "Who do you think you are, walking in here, telling us we
gotta leave?!"
I: "He's Hercules."
Miner: "That's a fancy name you're throwing around. But you
still can't make me forget the diamonds we're digging out of
the land. So save your breath."
I: "Maybe I ought to pound some sense into that thick skull of
yours!"
H: "Take it easy, Iolaus."
I: "Ooo-oy."
H: "If Darphus' name doesn't scare you, maybe Ares' will."
Miner: "Ares? There's not one man in this camp that hasn't
paid tribute to him by fighting in a war somewhere along the line.
He bears us no ill will."
H: "You were saying?"
X: "Look Hercules, it _is_ Darphus."
[Fight]
I: "Thanks, Herc--"
D: "Don't you know you can't kill me? Ares is on my side."
[More fighting]
D: "Retreat!"
Warrior: "Retreat!"
H: "We're coming after you, Darphus!"
D: "I'll be waiting for you."
X: "If a knife in the heart won't kill Darphus, what will?"
H: "We'll find something. Is everyone all right?"
I: "Yeah-- but there's a problem. Salmoneus is missing."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[ACT III]
H reading S's journal [Voice of S]: "As warriors, Hercules and
Xena have always been a perfect match. I find myself wondering
about them falling in love; getting married; having children;
hiring me to handle their finances."
H: "My friend, I hope your imagination is the only thing that
ran away with you."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I: "There you go. That should do it. Anyone else?"
X: "I think everybody who didn't die has already been taken care
of."
I: "Good. So we should get going."
X: "I hope Hercules finds Salmoneus soon."
I: "You know-- the only person-- who's ever saved my life before--
was Hercules. Why did you do it?"
X: "We're on the same side."
I: "That's it?"
X: "According to the code I live by, it is."
I: "Because it wasn't so long ago-- that you wanted to kill me to
get to Hercules."
X: "I'll go to my grave regretting that. I was all too set up by
hate-- probably the same feeling you have towards me."
I: "Not anymore."
X: "Thank you."
H: "Now, there's an encouraging sign."
X: "Did you find Salmoneus?"
H: "Afraid not."
X: "Nothing?"
H: "Well, just-- just some-- footprints that might have been
his."
I: "Where were they headed?"
H: "To Illysia."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
D: "The rage you hear in Graegus is a measure of how badly you
have failed Ares. Graegus needs flesh and blood that my twelve
best warriors didn't get him-- because they ran from Hercules
and Xena like craven cowards!"
Warrior: "But you fled with us."
D: "I never flee. I only live to fight another day. Feed him
to Graegus. The rest of you, prepare for the arrival of Hercules
and Xena. Kill them, and you regain your honor. Fail, and
Graegus awaits you."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I: "The only people around here with wagons are peddlers.
They're everywhere."
X: "Well, whoever made these tracks is heading for big trouble.
The wagon was going west towards the ocean, and then it veered
towards the north-- to Illysia."
I: "Maybe Darphus is bringing in weapons or reinforcements."
H: "Either that, or somebody made a terrible mistake."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
S: "Ow! I'm glad I don't have hemorrhoids."
Xenos: "Don't be so sensitive, sonny-boy!"
S: "Cut that out."
Xenos: "Yeah! You need ocean air. That's what you need--
improve your sense of humor."
S: "Xenos, there's no ocean around here."
Xenos: "Whoa. There's not? Of course, there is!"
S: "You can't see past your reins, can you? I knew it! I'm
being driven straight to Hades."
Xenos: "Oh, don't be such a worry-wart! My eyes may not be so
hot, but my animal's eyes are just fine."
S: "That's the price I pay for my cowardice, isn't it?"
Xenos: "Or maybe, you're not cut out for hitchhiking in the
middle of nowhere. Giddyup! [Laughs]"
S: "Very perceptive."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
X: "Not much farther now. I'll go scout ahead."
I: "No, I think it's my turn."
X: "Wait a minute. I know this territory."
I: "Come on. I'm full of old hunters' tricks."
H: "That's not all you're full of."
I: "Hey. Flattery will get you nowhere. Make a camp, and,
uh-- keep a light burning in the window."
H: "You heard the man."
X: "I'll go get some wood, but I'm still not going to cook."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Xenos: "Whoa. Oh, smell that ocean. That'll cure your blues
for ya."
S: "Since when does the ocean smell of goats?
Xenos: "Goats? What goats?! There are no goats here. Fish!
That's what you have in a fishing village!"
S: "This isn't a fishing village. It's Illysia."
Xenos: "Is not."
S: "Is."
Xenos: "Is not!"
S: "Is."
Xenos: "Is not!"
Warrior: "Sorry, old man-- it is. Darphus'll be happy to see
you."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
X: "You know, I've been in a hundred other battles, and the only
thing that's ever come over me before them, is a cold rage.
But now-- Is this what it feels like to be you, Hercules?"
H: "I think you're just finding out how good it feels to
challenge the forces of evil."
X: "I wouldn't be doing it if you hadn't given me the chance."
H: "Whatever I did doesn't count. You made the decision on
your own."
X: "There's another decision I've made."
H: "What's that?"
X: "To let you how I feel about you-- in case I die fighting
Darphus."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Warriors: "Eat up." "Go on." "Try some of these steaks;
they're delicious." "Here's what you want."
D: "Eat up! Have some more."
S: "Yes, thank you-- yeah, thanks."
I: "Traitor."
S: "Delicious. My compliments."
I: "Oh, no. Now, we've really got trouble."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[ACT IV]
H: "Hello, Iolaus."
I: "Did I get back too soon? I mean, uh-- I, uh-- didn't think
I'd get back so soon."
X: "What did you find?"
I: "Salmoneus-- but it's not what you think. He and Darphus
were eating together. It seemed like they were having a great
time."
H: "Salmoneus is a lot of things, but-- I have a hard time
believing that a traitor is one of them."
I: "Hercules-- Graegus is there."
X: "Who's Graegus?"
H: "Ares' pet. He'll feed on Darphus' victims until he's
the biggest creature that ever walked."
I: "And if that happens-- Ares will rule the world."
X: "So what are we gonna do to stop them?"
H: "Sometimes-- you can only defeat evil-- with evil."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
D: "You've lost weight since we last met."
S: "Huh?"
D: "Come on, open up-- eat."
S: "Mm-mm."
D: "How many times do I have to tell you, I want you nice and
plump, so Graegus will have lots to chew on."
S: "Mm-mm."
D: "Eat!"
S: "Please!"
D: "Don't make me kill you before I feed you to Graegus. I
want you kicking and screaming, so Hercules and Xena can watch."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
H: "It'd be better if we attacked from the front."
I: "No, if we attack from the fron--"
Warrior: "Stop right there!"
H: "Uh-oh."
Warrior: "The mighty Hercules. How does it feel to be fi--"
X: "How does it feel to be unconscious?"
I: "Look out!"
H: "Show off."
X: "Any closer, and my ear would've been stuck to his chest."
I: "Well, you didn't give me a very good angle."
X: "I knew you could handle it."
H: "Come on-- we need to move fast. Iolaus-- you know what to
do."
I: "Yeah-- burning wagon coming up."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
D: "It's time to teach you some manners."
S: "No! Don't-- don't get me wrong! You're food is great. If
you get me a nice sorbet, I could work through six or seven more
courses."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
+++H: "Ready?"
+++X: "This is no time to say I'm not."
+++H: "Then I'll see you when it's over."
+++X: "Make sure of that."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
+++D: "Time's up. Maybe your screams will convince Hercules and
Xena to come out of hiding."
+++S: "Wouldn't you like a new theme song? [Sings] 'Darphus,
he's your man.'"
+++D: "Take him to the temple!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
D: "Graegus is hungry."
S: "There's plenty of roast left! Let me get him some!"
D: "After he's finished with you, he'll be big enough to
obliterate anyone who stands in Ares' path! He smells your fear.
Take him inside."
+++S: "That's not fear! It's gas!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
S: "I've got land-- ow!-- in Macedonia-- ow! You could be
landowners. I got-- ahhh!-- southern exposure. You could get
away from the hub-bub. Please-- don't do this to me-- my ankles
swell."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I: "Oh! Come on!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
S: "Stop! Oh! No! No! Please! Don't leave me! Hey! Don't
leave me! [Screams]
------------------------------------------------------------------
D: "So, the son of Zeus has finally arrived. Get him!"
[Awesome fight ensues]
------------------------------------------------------------------
X: "I thought the wagon was supposed to be on fire!"
H: "Old hunters' tricks don't always work!"
H: "Stay."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
S: "That was great! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
H: "We're not out of this yet."
S: "Thank you!"
H: "I wonder if he knows how to play fetch."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
X: "I'll make sure you stay dead this time, Darphus!"
D: "It's you who dies this time!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
H: "Come on. Don't you ever get full?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
S: [Screams] "Nice cut!"
H: "Salmoneus! Get out of here! Come on! Get out! Go! Run!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
S: [Whistles to I]
I: "Thanks."
S: "My pleasure!"
+++I: "Come on. Our friends need our help."
+++S: "Right!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
H: "Xena! Let's put evil in its place. Now!"
D: [Screams]
I: "I've never seen anything like that. What happened?"
H: "Bad diet."
X: "But Darphus had Ares on his side."
H: "Didn't matter. Evil defeated itself."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
S: "Boom! You should've seen those soldiers fall when I conked
them. I dropped those turkeys like a bad habit. I'd write about
it if-- if only I had my--"
H: "You looking for this?"
S: "You found it! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank
you!"
I: "You know, that is the thing about Salmoneus-- is you never
can tell how he feels about anything.
H: "Yeah, he'll have to work on that." [They laugh]
S: "Yeah. Go ahead and laugh. You two are gonna miss me."
H: "Where are you going?"
S: "I'm going to Athens-- to work on your celebrity biography.
And, if it doesn't work out, I can always sell obedience training
for dogs. Goodbye, my friends."
H: "Take care, Salmoneus."
I: "Well-- guess I'm on the way home. Wanna come along?"
H: "There's someone I need to talk to first."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
H: "You're leaving."
X: "You're going to make this tougher on me than it already is,
aren't you?"
H: "It doesn't have to be that way."
X: "Please, don't. You're gonna make me cry. I haven't done
that since I was a child."
H: "Xena."
X: "Let me go. There's so much in my life I have to make
amends for. I've got to get started."
H: "I wish you'd let me help."
X: "You already have. You unchained my heart. Goodbye,
Hercules."
I: "You all right?"
H: "Yeah. I think so. At least-- the good guys won."