Jump to a listing
Again, a friend of mine sent me this one as well.
[TEASER]
Cretus [Cr]: “Darphus gave them your demands-- just enough crops
to feed our men; only the buildings needed to quarter them.”
X: “Their answer?”
Darphus [D]: “They’ve decided to defend themselves.”
X: “Stupid. We’ll give them the night to reconsider.”
D: “Give them nothing! I say, we attack now, and wipe them all
out! Let the gods sort out the women and children.”
X: “We are warriors, _not_ barbarians. Cretus, you made it
clear that anyone who raises a sword against us will die.”
Cr: “They said they’d rather die, defending the fruits of their
labor, than give it to renegades.”
X: “Then tomorrow, they’ll get their wish.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
Hercules [H]: “Oh-- wonderful, Iphicles, absolutely wonderful.
It’s a four-star meal for sure.”
Iphicles [Iph]: “Why four stars?”
H: “Uh, that’s just a manner of speaking. It’s something I
picked up from an epicurean friend of mine.”
Iph: “Well, why not five stars? Or-- or, a constellation of
stars?”
H: “Uh-- a constellation it is.”
Iloron (sp?) [Il]: “Hercules?”
H: “Iloron!”
Il: “Hello, cousin. It’s been too long.”
H: “Ah, it must be five years. Ah, come! Sit down! How have
you been?”
Il: “Good. Look, we’ve got big problems in the Parthian
province.”
H: “What sort of problems?”
Il: “Marauders. And they’re merciless. Last week, they
attacked a village near us-- killed every last man. Look here.
On my way here, I found out that six more villages have been
destroyed in the last month.”
H: “Looks like they’re intent on overrunning the whole
peninsula.”
Il: “And Parthus, my mother’s village, will be right in their
path.”
H: “Then we don’t have any time to waste.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
X: “No word?”
Cr: “Their only activity has been to fortify.”
D: “We should’ve attacked yesterday.”
X: “It won’t affect the outcome-- only make it more interesting.
Let’s go!”
Army: [Cheers]
X: “Yah!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
[Xena’s army destroys village.]
X: “Surrender, or die!”
Villager: “Never!”
Old man: “No! Have mercy!”
Villager: “There she is! Kill her! Destroy the witch! Destroy
her!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
[ACT I]
Warriors: “[?] attack!” Victory!” “Long live Xena!”
Salmoneus [S]: “I’m a modest woman. Please don’t touch me
there.”
Cr: “Look at what we found hiding in the feed-bin.”
S: “Ow! Ow!”
D: “Well, what’ve we got here?”
S: “No, no. I work in the circus. Please, don’t kill me!
Please! I beg you!”
X: “Give me one good reason.”
S: “It would be very unpleasant for me! We haven’t even been
introduced! My mother will cry?!”
X: “Take him away.”
S: “Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I’m not even supposed to be
here! I’m a travelling salesman! I can get you a great deal on
some clay dinnerware. I’ve got this walnut utensil-- opens--”
D: “Kill him!”
S: “Hold it! You’re very quick with the ‘Kill him!’. Wait a
second-- please! I know people in high places! Uh, I-- I-- I
know Hercules!”
X: “What do you know about Hercules?”
D: “He knows nothing!”
S: “I do to! I-- we-- oh, oh, wee-- I’m his best friend! We’re
like this! Well, not like that-- kinda’-- kinda’ like th--
Kind-- it’s platonic. It-- we’re like-- that!”
X: “Come here, little man. You amuse me.”
S: “Amusing? You like amusing? A guy goes into a bar walking a
duck. Owner says, what’re you doing with that pig?!”
X: “Cease! I’ll let you know when I wanna be amused again.
Bring him along. Leave it. It becomes you.”
S: “Right! Certainly. You’ve got excellent taste. [Laughs
nervously]”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
H: “I can’t believe it’s been five years since I’ve seen you.
Why does it have to take bad news to bring us together.”
Il: “Well, you’re not the easiest person to get ahold of.”
H: “Yeah, I-- guess you’re-- right.”
+++Il: “Who could’ve done such a thing?”
+++H: “I think he was trying to tell us. Those marks are the
Macedonian symbols for ‘warrior’-- and ‘woman.’”
+++Il: “May the gods help us.”
+++H: “I wouldn’t count on it.”
Girl: “Mommy? Where’s Daddy?”
Man: “Not a man alive. Curse her[?]!”
H: “Who did this?”
Woman: “Marauders.”
H: “Did you see their leader?”
Woman: “She was like-- a demon from Hades.”
H: “A woman.”
Il: “Do you know who did this?”
H: “I’ve got an idea.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
D: “That meat is for warriors.”
S: “Ah. Um, uh-- there’s more than one way to wage a war.”
X: “Oh? Tell me about it.”
S: “Well-- an army such as yours, with such a beautiful leader
like you-- you need publicity-- public relations.”
X: “Hah! I prefer my relations to be private.”
S: “[Laughs] No-- you need something to trumpet your victories.
But you don’t wanna seem overbearing or merciless. You need a
theme song. Wait a second.
[Sings]
‘Xe-ena, coming to your town.
Xe-ena, don’t you wear a frown.’
Don’t talk about destruction. Talk about ‘collateral damage.’
Uh, be like a tax collector. Tell people you’re doing it for
their own good.”
X: “You know, for such a wretched little man, you are mildly
entertaining. Tell me more.”
S: “OK, uh-- can I just--? Yeah. Always address your troops
from your right side. It’s your best side-- not that you have a
bad side. It-- You’ve got beautiful eye-- you’ve got great cheek
structure. Smile more. Show off your cheeks. See? Ahh.
Uh-huh.”
X: “Don’t stop amusing me, now.”
S: “No, your Highness-- your Worship-- your, your-- what is your
titular? Um-- wh-- uh, uh-- How do you like to be undressed?
Addressed? Hmm?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
H: “Any sign of trouble?!”
Il: “Not that I can see! We’re making good time. I can see the
hills of Parthian province. Also, I-- think we’re being
followed.”
H: “I know. I saw him by the river.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
D: “I say we go here.”
X: “The western villages?”
D: “Lightly defended. We wipe them from the map-- an easy
victory.”
X: “Easy victories make for weak soldiers.”
D: “As long as the men get what they want--”
X: “I don’t want soldiers following me out of greed. I demand
loyalty.”
D: “Loyalty, greed, fear-- what does it matter? As long as they
obey orders.”
X: “It matters to me.”
D: “Maybe, one day, we’ll find out whose strategy is best--
yours or mine.”
X: “I’ll go north with my scouts. I’ll see for myself. And
when I return, we attack.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
D: “Still no sign of Xena and the scouts? The men are ready for
a night attack; I don’t wanna lose the element of surprise. I
won’t wait any longer.”
S: “Uh, excuse me? Wouldn’t Xena be upset-- if you don’t--
wait?”
D: “You know, little man, you don’t amuse me at all. We go now.
I don’t wanna see a living thing when you’re through-- not a man,
woman, or child-- understood?”
Cr: “Don’t you think that Xena--- ?”
D: “Forget Xena! I want that village destroyed! The men can
take what they want.”
Cr: “Yes, sir.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
Warrior: “Attack!”
[Warriors decimate village]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
X: “What have you done?!”
D: “A message, to those who defy us.”
X: “You killed women and children?”
D: “If this doesn’t strike fear into the hearts of the northern
villages, nothing will.”
X: “You’re a butcher. Your disobedience will _not go
unpunished_!”
D: “I expected as much.”
[Baby crying]
Cr: “I thought I killed them both.”
D: “Kill it!”
X: “Stop! You kill this baby, you die next. Contrary to what
some might think, I still lead this army.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
[ACT II]
H: “Looking for me?”
[Hercules knocks out the spy]
H: “We can do this the easy way-- or we can go back to that
village you destroyed. Or let the orphans and widows decide what
to do with you.”
Daros: “Women and children don’t scare me.”
H: “Don’t they?! Who commands you barbarians? It’s a woman,
isn’t it?”
Daros: “We’re not barbarians. We’re soldiers.”
H: “Soldiers-- killing unarmed people-- I guess that qualifies
you as a soldier, doesn’t it? So, where _is_ your leader--
Xena?”
Daros: “When she finds out I’m missing, she’ll have you two for
breakfast.”
H: “Where is she?”
Daros: “Doesn’t matter. You’re too late, anyway.”
H: “Get out of my sight. I wouldn’t.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
Spiros [Sp]: “Murderers.”
Il: “No one’s alive-- not even a child.”
H: “They killed children?”
Il: “They killed everyone-- women, children, babies.”
H: “I swear by my mother-- this won’t happen again.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
X: “What are you doing here?”
S: “I thought you might need some help taking care of the baby--
so I found this shepherdess.”
X: “I’ve got no intention of taking care of this infant. I
merely saved him.”
S: “No, of course not. [Laughs] If you had any maternal
instinct, you wouldn’t-- not that you don’t have maternal
instinct, but with all the fighting, it gets--”
Shepherdess [Sh]: “I have some milk for the baby.”
S: “Oh, proud warriorress? Can I talk to you for a moment?”
X: “About what?”
S: “It’s Darphus. He scares me.”
X: “Everyone scares you.”
S: “Very observant. But in this case, I don’t think he’s
exactly in your corner, either.”
X: “You mean, his insubordination.”
S: “That-- and he’s been stirring up the men about saving the
baby.”
X: “I’ve got no reason to doubt my soldiers’ loyalty. And I’ll
deal with Darphus.”
S: “Yes, I’m sure. But, but, but-- the best course of action,
given that you and Darphus are at odds--”
X: “I don’t run from my problems. I confront them! And I’ll
deal with Darphus!”
S: “Excellent choice. It was just a thought, thank you.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
+++[Hercules and Iloron burying bodies]
+++Il: “You take it personally, don’t you?”
+++H: “These people have been robbed of their lives. It’s the
least I can do.”
+++Il: “Shall we camp here for the night?”
+++H: “Not here. Xena’s too far ahead of us. We have a lot of
catching up to do.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
X: “You defied me.”
D: “You wanted the village destroyed; we destroyed it.”
X: “I didn’t order you to burn it, or to slaughter every living
thing.”
D: “I gave you my reasons.”
X: “I’m relieving you of your command!”
D: “My men won’t allow that-- yes-- my men. You’re the one
who’s stepping down. And you’ll leave the only way a warrior
can.”
X: “The gauntlet? There’s not a man here who’ll raise a hand
against me.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
D: “Take off her armor.” [Laughs]
X: “I’ll bury you _and_ your new leader.”
S: “Can she really make it through that?”
Warrior1: “No one ever has.”
D: “Begin!”
[Xena walks the gauntlet]
S: “Go, Xena, go!”
Warriors: “She’s dead.” “Xena.” “She survived.”
D: “Kill her!”
Warrior2: “But she made it through.”
D: “Good for her! Now, finish it!”
Warrior3: “She fought by the rules.”
Warrior4: “Right.”
Warrior3: “I won’t cross that line.”
Warrior4: “Me neither.”
D: “Enjoy your exile.”
X: [Spits]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
Il: “Hercules? How about a break?”
H: “We’ll rest when we find ‘em.”
Il: “We won’t be in any shape to fight if we don’t stop soon.”
H: “When we find ‘em.”
Il: [Hit by arrow]
H: “Come on. You’ll be all right. You stay here. Who are
you?! Who are you?! Why are you attacking us?!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
[ACT III]
Sp: “Go on, kill me. I have nothing to live for, anymore.”
H: “Who are you?”
Sp: “Spiros. You killed my wife and son.”
H: “I’m Hercules-- and I didn’t kill anyone.”
Sp: “Hercules? But I saw you looting the bodies in the
village.”
H: “We were burying them. They were already dead when we got
there.”
Sp: “My wife and child were in that village.”
H: “You have my sympathy. Come on. Let’s see how much damage
you’ve done to my cousin.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
H: “You’ll live.”
Il: “Thanks.”
Sp: “I should never have left. I should never have left.”
H: “Why did you?”
Sp: “No one wanted to leave their families. But we knew someone
had to go for help, so we-- drew straws. I drew the short one.”
H: “You shouldn’t feel guilty. You did what you could.”
Sp: “But everyone I loved-- they’re gone now-- dead.”
H: “I once lost my family, too.”
Sp: “Then you’ll know there’s nothing you can say that’ll make
me feel better.”
H: “Yeah. We will find Xena and her army. I promise you.”
Sp: “I can be your scout. I know this countryside well.”
H: “Done.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
S: “All right. All right. You’re safe. You found some armor.
You don’t know where you’re going, but you’re making really good
time. Let’s hear it for me! Hip- hip-- hooray!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
X: “I can take care of myself!”
Sh: “One of your men came here, looking for you, today.”
X: “I have no men.”
Sh: “He was a scout named Daros.”
X: “What did he want?”
Sh: “He said he needed to warn you, that Hercules was on your
trail.”
X: “Hercules?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
S: “Please, somebody help me, if you can hear me! Help me!
Please, somebody help me!”
H: “Salmoneus?”
S: “Hercules?!”
H: “It’s nothing, just-- someone hanging upside-down. Come on.”
S: “Hey! You can’t leave me like this!”
H: “I know. I know.”
Sp: “You know him?”
H: “Unfortunately.”
S: “Does he know me?! I fought a Cyclops with this guy! And a
lunatic Centaur. And what about the fifty [randied?] daughters
of King Thespius, huh?”
H: “Can we reminisce some other time?”
S: “I had to help the big guy out.”
H: “Yeah. I-- should know better than to ask, but, how did you
get up there?”
S: “I have no idea. I was escaping this band of murderous
thugs-- led by this fierce, beautiful woman with great--”
H: “You were with Xena?”
S: “You know her?”
H: “Yes, I do.”
S: “They humiliated me. They starved me. They took my entire
line of kitchenware.”
H: “Salmoneus.”
S: “I’ve got this great utensil. It cracks a walnut into two
smooth halves.”
H: “Salmoneus.”
S: “Protects the nut, and there are no splinters.”
H: “Salmoneus!”
S: “Yes.”
H: “Just tell me where they are.”
S: “They’re on their way to Parthus. And if anything like the
last time, there won’t be any Parthus left!”
H: “Let’s go.”
S: “Ah-- what about my cookware?!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
D: “So-- the great Hercules is on our trail.”
Cr: “Maybe it’s time to change our plans.”
D: “No.”
Cr: “But Hercules--”
D: “-- can be defeated like any other man! He doesn’t know we
know he’s on our track. That gives us an edge. Here-- outside
Parthus, where the road splits-- that’s where we spring our
trap.”
Cr: “But suppose he’s waiting--”
D: “We’ll crush him like a bug!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
S: “Can we take a break? I’m hungry. I don’t know how I get
myself in these messes.”
H: “You might try staying away from killers like Xena.”
S: “I wasn’t with her by choice! And I’ll tell you something--
she’s not as evil as you think she is.”
H: “Of course not-- she only kills people for sport.”
S: “Well, at least she allows them to surrender before
massacring ‘em.”
H: “She’s all heart.”
S: “She’s got some heart. She’s not into that-- scorched-Earth
policy like Darphus.”
H: “You’re serious-- that she’s not a cold-hearted evil bitch.”
S: “Believe me. Compared with Darphus, she looks like the
goddess of love and light.”
H: “Who is Darphus?”
Il: “Hercules!”
X: “Hah!”
H: “Looks like we’ll get the chance to see which one of us is
right. Hello, Xena.”
X: “Hello, Hercules. Looks like you’re losing your touch! Your
scout would never make it in my army!”
H: “You’re right. He’s not a baby-killer.”
X: “Don’t tell me you’re gonna spoil it by bringing your friends
into it.”
H: “No, Xena. I think I can handle this one on my own.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
[ACT IV]
H: “We’ve been down this road before. The last time, you almost
cost me a friendship.”
X: “This time-- it’ll cost you a life!”
S: “Xena, why are you doing this?!”
X: “If I can bring back the head of Hercules, I can get back my
army!”
H: “So you can murder more women and children?”
X: “That was not my idea! I never murdered women and children!”
S: “You shouldn’t be fighting each other! Darphus is the enemy!
You should be on the same side fighting him! On second thought,
maybe you _should_ work it out between you!”
[Xena and Hercules fight.]
X: “I’ve got you now, Hercules!”
Il: “Xena!”
S: “Come on. Come on. Let’s go.”
X: “Go on, finish it. Prove you’re the greatest warrior.”
H: “Killing isn’t the only way of proving you’re a warrior,
Xena. And I think you know that.”
X: “What do you intend to do?”
H: “We’re going after your army. Why don’t you join us?”
X: “No.”
Sp: “Coward! You can make war on a defenseless village, kill
women and children, but you can’t fight a worthy opponent.”
H: “Let her go! She has a fight of her own to deal with.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
H: “Over here!”
Sp: “More tracks.”
H: “They tried to cover them up to this point. Looks like a
larger body of troops went that way. Let’s go.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
Il: “Let’s wipe ‘em out. Come on, we can handle them.”
H: “No. That’s what they expect us to do. That’s their
surprise.”
Il: “An ambush? For us?”
Sp: “So, what do we do?”
H: “We even the odds. And we get to Parthus before they do.”
S: “Even the odds?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
[Hercules waylays ambush]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
Il: “This way, goat-breath!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
D: “We’ve been ambushed, and our horses are gone.”
Cr: “But how? Hercules was never here!”
D: “He was here, all right! Fools! He’s long gone now.”
Cr: “But where?”
D: “Parthus.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
H: “Women and children all evacuated.”
S: “And the old men and the boys. I still say we should’ve kept
some.”
H: “No, they’re no match for that army out there.”
S: “Yeah, and we are? All four of us?”
H: “Well, the villagers cooked up some surprises. That’ll
help.”
S: “Yeah? Well, what happens when the surprises run out?”
H: “Looks like we’ll find out soon enough. You better get to
your post.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
D: “Ready! Attack!”
[Hercules fights Darphus and his army]
S: “I don’t believe it; she’s come back.”
Sp: “That bracelet belonged to my wife!”
+++:Warrior: “Retreat!”
+++:D: “Fight!”
Warrior: “Let’s get out of here!”
D: “Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!”
[Xena fights and kills Darphus]
+++Warrior: “Let’s get out of here!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
H: “I’m glad you came back.”
X: “I had to. They weren’t true warriors. They had to be
stopped.”
H: “Is it over now? All of it?”
X: “Yes, it is.”
S: “Well, I’m not making any promises.”
H: “What is it?”
Sp: “Salmoneus told me that Xena saved a baby boy at my
village.”
H: “Is that true?”
Sp: “Was he, uh-- Did he have a birthmark on his left leg?
X: [Nods head.]
Sp: “That’s my son. That’s my son. Oh, gods above, thank you.
I don’t know how to--”
X: “Suppose I don’t wanna give him up.”
Sp: “What do you mean?”
X: “I put my life on the line for him. Would you?”
Sp: “Yes, and I’ll fight you if I have to.”
X: “You’d lose.”
Sp: “Doesn’t matter. He’s my blood.”
H: “Xena, why are you doing this?”
X: “You’ve shown me all I need to know. Just raise your son to
be as brave as you. Salmoneus will take you to him.”
S: “You sure you don’t wanna join us? You know, for old times’
sake? I just don’t want to fall into any more traps.”
H: “Yeah, I’m not sure how many people could stand the sight of
you upside down.”
S: “I happen to think I have nice legs.”
H: “Salmoneus, Spiros will keep you safe.”
Il: “Thank you, cousin.”
H: “You’re welcome. Let’s not wait five years to see each other
again.”
Il: “Not a chance.”
H: “Take care. So-- what now?”
X: “What do you say we go find out together?”
H: “Yeah.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
Emissary [E]: “Feeling better?”
D: “Who are you?”
E: “Call me-- an emissary of Ares.”
D: “Ares, the god of war. What does he want with me?”
E: “He wants to give you your revenge against Xena. But first,
you must do something for him. You must kill Hercules.”
D: “Hercules-- how? He destroyed my army.”
E: “You’ll need help-- more help than any army can give you.
This beast can give you that help. Under your control, it can
destroy Hercules once and for all.”
D: [Laughs]